As you probably know by now, the NBA All-Star Game is in Vegas Baby Vegas this weekend. As with every major sporting event held in Las Vegas, the big question on everyone's mind is always this: which rapper is going to get murdered this time?
Personally, my money is on a Ying Yang Twin.
But it's not my job to make the odds for the likelihood of such an event. Since the police aren't too crazy about actually solving these murders, here's your chance... with Clue: NBA All-Star Vegas Edition!
For those of you unfamiliar with Clue, it's basically a board game version of CSI, determining the murderer, the murder weapon, and the scene of the crime by using process of elimination instead of DNA, ballistics, or a smoking hot Jorja Fox. It also spawned a kickass movie that turned out to be Martin Mull's best work (with the exception of Ski Patrol).
SUSPECTS
Sean "Puffy/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy" Combs: Word on the street is Diddy is itching to sample "If You Leave Me Now" by Chicago... all he needs is a victim. Although he's missing a big opportunity to make this murder a task for Making The Band 4.
Kobe Bryant: Gilbert Arenas was right... an assassin has no conscience. Kobe has a track record of forcing people to do things they don't want to... in this case, "not dying."
Barack Obama: Has recently been called "clean" and "articulate," and actually dropped in the polls. What's the best way to get rid of that image? Besides attending the Daytona 500?
Charles Barkley: All I'm saying is if he disappears from the $100 minimum blackjack table for more than 20 minutes, watch your ass.
Craig Sager: I never noticed this before, and this is just pure coincidence, but Craig Sager looks a lot like Mr. White from Reservoir Dogs. "If Dwyane Wade's dad knows something, and he's not telling you? Cut off his finger. The little one. Tell him his thumb's next. After that, he'll tell you if he wears ladies' underwear."
Subzero: I blame Liu Kang completely. None of this shit would've happened if his fatality in the first Mortal Kombat actually killed people. He must have not learned that dragon shit until later.
WEAPONS
.45: I always try and steer a customer towards a 9-millimeter. Damn near the same weapon, don't have half the jammin' problems. But some people out there, you can't tell them anything. They want a .45. "The Killer" had a .45, they want a .45.
Grey Goose Bottle: It's French, bitch. I like the added irony if a Ying Yang Twin actually does get killed with one of these... guess you didn't want that Grey Goose after all, hmm?
C-4: Plastic explosive. Very popular in movies like Die Hard, Demolition Man, Man on Fire... oh yeah, and The Last Boy Scout.
Pimp Cup: I am assuming for thirty grand on a jewel-encrusted goblet, the damn thing should be able to crack some skulls without crumbling like a Tostitos Scoop. Otherwise I think I'll just settle with the 80 Dixie Cups for three bucks, thank you twice.
Pop Rocks and Soda: Don't feed me that bullshit about an "urban legend"... when's the last time you've seen Mikey alive? Huh? You want to try it? You think you're immortal? That's what I thought.
Trident: Some people out there, you can't tell them anything. They want a trident. Brick Tamland had a trident, they want a trident.
LOCATIONS
Thomas & Mack Center: This will be the second crime to occur in this building this weekend if Nate Robinson wins the dunk contest again.
The Palms' "Real World" Suite: The Billiards Room of this game, which was always the first room I headed for when playing real Clue. Because I liked to play pool, and it had a pool table. Well, a drawing of a pool table.... Never mind.
Mirage Poker Room: Although it's probably not the smartest place to murder someone. Considering all those cameras. And whatnot.
The In-N-Out Burger: Not the one on Camrose. That's in Los Angeles. Shut the fuck up, Donny.
Inside an Escalade: I heard that if you buy an Escalade, your life insurance premiums skyrocket. You know it's pretty bad when you see an Escalade in Car and Driver magazine, and under negatives it says, "NOT BULLETPROOF."
The Desert: An old Las Vegas classic. Make sure and stop and say hello to Nicky Santoro and the hooker from Very Bad Things.
Crazy Horse Too: Here's a sidenote: If you are actually in Vegas this weekend, and you see Stephen Jackson hanging out at the Crazy Horse Too, for God's sake LEAVE HIM BE. Also, if you are around him, and you need to excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, don't say, "I'm gonna go take a dump."
The Conservatory: I left this in for two reasons... 1) I'm lazy, and 2) after all these years, I still don't know what the hell a conservatory is. I can't even tell from the crude drawing. Has anyone ever had one of these in their house? Is the secret passageway to the lounge a requirement? Do you often find dead bodies there?
McCarran Airport: If there were ever a perfect place to hide a dead rapper, it would be that carpet. Remember Skee-Lo? He's dead on that floor somewhere and nobody's been able to find him yet. If only he were a little bit taller....
Thanks to www.adena.com for the Clue card images.